I kept an online journal for nights like this...

I forget at times how good my own bed can feel. Like how soft the sheets are that moment between sleep and awake or how I can take up the whole mattress and not worry about space. Before I fall asleep, however, I’m left to my thoughts and worries which probably explains why I can become an insomniac. Sharing a bed with someone used to melt those fears and quiet those anxieties. Not because of anything they said specifically but because I was distracted, too concerned about someone else to think about the meaning of everything. Now, the world weighs heavy on my mind and everything must be analyzed.

And of course this is a defense mechanism. If I can figure out the motivations and intentions behind what people do, then I can have the appropriate expectations for the outcome of our relationship or non-relationship. I lack confidence not in myself per se, but in the people that come into my life. I don’t expect anyone to stick around long enough to care so I approach them as an experience, a new addition to a pattern of events. I know this seems heartless. It’s really not. Along with being able to detach myself, I also have a strong sense of compassion and an abnormal ability to feel empathy where maybe it’s not needed. These two traits will often make me seem standoffish or uninterested initially and understanding or non-judgmental once you get to know me. It usually takes people a while to figure me out. My walls are obviously thick. 

I write all this not because it’s a new revelation. Emotional strengths and weaknesses are what I know best about myself. But lately I’ve been reminded of the type of person that I am and the type of person that I want to be. I was recently told that I have “basic narcissistic tendencies” and that I am a “fraud.” I don’t put much stock in this because this person doesn’t really know me, but the way I treated them was so uncharacteristic of who I’ve been in the past. I lied. Yes I, Kim Childs, lied and manipulated situations to avoid giving up attention. I feel a habit forming and I’m trying to root it out entirely. The drama can be so addictive though. (I lied recently to one of the few people that accept me completely as I am. She knew I was lying, but I had no reason to do it. Again, I am sorry.)

People that I trusted hurt me and I let these events change me. I’ve started assuming the standard is deceit and abandonment. In order to survive in this world I’ve been adopting behaviors from the few people that have had major negative impacts on my life. This is what I’ve been afraid of all along. This is one of those moments in my life where I ask myself, who is it exactly that I want to be? I also end up assuming blame for all that is wrong with the world and it keeps me awake at night. I need to get out of my head.