I have been selfish. I have been, selfish. Incredibly. Undeniably. Irreversibly. It's manifested itself in all of my relationships. Ones that I've had forever. Ones that I've recently started. Ones that have already come and gone.* I want people to see me a certain way so I focus on myself and what makes me feel good. This juncture** in my life has a very distinct feeling. Almost like everything I've ever wanted is not so black and white.
I cried (alone) today for the first time in a long time. I don't cry in front of people often so it's a little strange that I've done that more than actually cry alone. Anyways... I digress. (Yes, this journal will be stream of consciousness. Get over it.) There is a secret that I try to keep (quite unsuccessfully) hidden from myself. It creeps up in these moments and I want to find some way to tear it out of my body. (No, I do not try literally.) I am scared, terrified in fact, of being abandoned. When it happens, I shrink up into this little ball of emotion and try to avoid feeling weak. Weakness has become unacceptable. Like in the footnote, I focus my attention on things/people/situations so I can pretend I wasn't completely devastated by someone else's actions. I tell myself that I am independent. I tell myself I am perfect the way I am and if anyone has a problem with it they can go fuck themselves. And then I explode because I don't know how to properly place my emotions. Invariably this all leads back the secret. The secret that I only know half of... there is something wrong with me. There must be. There must be something in me that makes people become apathetic. Something that makes them not even think about me when they're running off with a man. Something that screams I am not exciting or enticing. Something that makes them become completely numb to my desires. Typically after a major betrayal I fight for attention. I work to prove to myself that it really is the other person's loss. I fucking hate this cycle. I hate that I am chained to this emotion. I want to get the fuck over it. Seriously. It was almost 10 years ago and I am tired of carrying this baggage. Every time I come back to this place I am disgusted that I'm back here again. I always tell myself, never again! It's easier (and less painful) to point out other people's destructive patterns. I've thought about my actions over the past year. I'm embarrassed. I'm disappointed in myself. For the sake of my emotional protection I have done some pretty shady things. I know that I want to be honest and selfless. I know that I want to be giving and thoughtful. I'm on the verge of forgetting how to act that way. What's the point if I will always be betrayed? Why keep my word if everyone else's is shit? Why make healthy emotional decisions if I only get looked over anyways? I feel invisible already, right? And even now I can't come up with good reasons. I'm getting to a point where I no longer need people to prove loyalty, I will just expect them to hurt me. Everyone. No exceptions. But I loathe that I think I'm such a victim.
And I do feel invisible. I can be logical about it and give myself pep talks but they make me feel weak. I think this job makes me so depressed because it's really easy to become invisible. Just a cog that doesn't need to use any brain space. Say the same things. Give the same resolutions. Use the same exact words. The funny thing about feeling invisible is that I'm not an attention whore. I don't need all eyes on me. I think I just want someone to prove to me that there isn't something wrong with me. That my mom left because she was really selfish and couldn't even think about her own kids before skipping town. The fact that she didn't think of us more than "I've raised them this far, you can do the rest" is burned so deep in me that I want someone to prove to me that there is value to be found. Had she walked out when I was small I really could say she was a deadbeat parent. She got to know me and it wasn't enough. Again, I hate this. I fucking hate that I think these things.
There is no resolution. No one can heal me, not even myself evidently. What I need to do is learn to recognize symptoms (I've been so good at it with every other aspect of my life) and just know that I will always feel this way. I should be hopeful about it. Use it towards a greater good. But for just right now, it's really really shitty.
*I've notice that I like to list things and generally it's in groups of three. Just a pattern that I've noticed.
**(I wish that I could add footnotes to online journals. Man do I miss school.) I would like to point out another pattern in my life: Whenever I come to life defining parts of my journey, there is always a figure that is unattainable because of their mysteriousness. Or their interest in other things (if it's a person). I become almost obsessed with figuring this thing/person out and when it comes to no avail... as it always does... I'm always brought back here. This humbling, startling place of introspection.
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